Anata

I had been perplexed since I had started to study Buddhism again. I knew that I suffered from a self-esteem problem, but I kept running up against the wall of anata (no self, no soul no I). In sobriety I began to see how my low self-esteem and how I viewed myself was coloring the way I perceived the world around me. Like a filter it distorted my perception denying me the ability to clearly see and respond to the world around me. How could you develop self-esteem if there was no self? I had managed to put this question on hold when I read Shinriu roshi’s ZEN mind beginners mind, he had consistently remarked on the idea of little mind and big mind. Enlightenment is big mind, grasping for things is little mind. My teacher had given me ‘ what the Buddha taught’ and I had read it, when it came to the subject of anata it talked about not only no self but even the idea of saying that there is no self is wrong. You simply practice Buddhism until you have no more self. This threw me back into the caldron of problems. I had a conflict. Not a simple little conflict. Not something as fun as a paradox, or a dichotomy but an honest to goodness conflict. Those things aren’t very good when you’re talking about your own self-esteem, or being or whatever. I'm not sure if my teacher saw this conflict in me or weather it was time for our weekly meeting, he tapped me on the shoulder, during meditation and said com on lets have a session. That was highly unusual because that’s usually the jiikka’s job. I went up to his office and sat waiting for him to formally summon me with one bell and I would respond with one bell and then enter. When I was sitting in front of him he looked at me and smiled in a childish and innocent way that I don’t really know how to describe then said ‘ what's up’, I didn’t know how to respond, ‘ its not easy to talk to a transmitted monk, I had studied that such things were highly formal, and this person wasn’t too formal, so I decided to start from the start. ‘ I'm having a hard time with anata, in Suzuki’s book he talks about big mind and little mind, in walpoas book he talks about no mind no soul and no self. I don’t know quite how to resolve these two discrepancies, which one is right’. He looked at me and smiled gently. ‘ Well their both right, here’s a better analogy by ehe dogen the founder of the soto school, to study Buddhism is to study the self, to study the self is to loose the self, to loose the self is to waken to eternal enlightenment’, ‘ the more that you study Buddhism the more you find yourself studying yourself, the more you study yourself the more you find that there is no self, when this is complete you become enlightened and you find that the world becomes your teacher. I had a few more questions that were answered or that pointed me in the right direction, but that one answer was like a koan, a magic pill, and a spear point of thought. I kept thinking to myself. To study Buddhism is to study the self, to study the self is to loose the self, to loose the self is to waken to enlightenment. In Buddhism you are asked to take nothing on faith you are simply told things that have been discovered along the way and then asked to check and see if it matches with you. The more I began to study Buddhism the more I began to look inwards to see if the same thing is inside of me and the more I began to look at myself and find that there really is no I no eternal thing that never changes. I am not the same person I was a year ago I am not the same person that I was five years ago I am not the same person that I was ten years ago, and in many ways I am not the same person that I was a moment ago. The more I look at myself the more I find that the only consistent thing in it is change, transience. And the more that I studied the nature of myself objectified the more I began to realize that the Buddhist principals were already there. Sometimes In meditation I would try to pinpoint an I, a self, a soul and I found that there was none to pinpoint. It is said that when you become enlightened you cease to act with volition, you simply begin to respond appropriately, no agenda no selfishness no volition. When a great master was asked what was the meaning of the Buddha’s life. The answer was, an appropriate response, or one to one. Depending on the translation. This statement has been circling me, simmering me, and working its way down my gut today. And I feel that the result will be something very interesting, so I think I'm going to follow it and see where it goes. This last part actually ties into the first part, to study Buddhism is to study the self, to study the self is to loose the self, to loose the self is to waken to enlightenment. But I will leave it to you to find the connection.