The Gatha, mirror

Self-nature, true nature, Buddha nature. That is the goal of Zen. I have studied it for 10 years now. Meditated contemplated and studied it. This illusive essence this mist this illusion is all pervading. It is. It is. Alas life does not always work around the dramatic advance of always doing one thing. Having a wife, a career, the equivalent of an American dream; I have embraced these things only to find them an illusion. Once embraced they simply disappear into the mists that they emerged from. Zen is not just meditation, Zen is not just contemplation, and Zen is not intellection. Zen is. Not becoming not unbecoming, but returning to the origination. That which you were to begin with but forgot that you were.

I sat at the true love café, after saying that I would never return there, a hypocrisy of me. I found another Buddhist there, and found myself trapped into a communion. We talked about meditation we talked about philosophy, talked about enlightenment. I could not get my eyes off of the young fresh beautiful women promising the American dream. That magazine cover that says all will be well if you just attain this. Consume, conspire, and accept. The lights were still strange the people were still unique, longing and needing, trying to pretend that they weren’t. I fell into that trap I wanted I longed I needed. I wear my soul on my sleeve and I'm sure that it was apparent. My Buddhist friend noticed this and felt I wasn’t being a very good adherent. Trying to entice me into the mix of words with questions and insights into dharma. ‘ When you attain enlightenment do you then know everything and the answers to all the deep questions’, ‘ no when you become enlightened the questions become meaningless, and depth becomes only an illusion, enlightenment is beyond questions and answers’. ‘ What is the meaning of Sept 11 is it good is it bad, why did it happen’, ‘ It is, that is all there is to it’. ‘ How do you find a true teacher of dharma and Buddhism, I find so many teachers to be hypocrites and flawed’, ‘ the master is everywhere, the trick is to recognize a teacher wherever you are’. I was getting annoyed with these questions, being trained in Zen and highly disciplined, I felt like I was dealing with a novice. I was more interested in the magic that is attained when boy meets girl and love lust, desire, want, and fulfillment promises of something greater than simple philosophical bliss and attainment. I could see his contempt in me, his thought that someone who had been in a monastery who had studied Zen for so long, who was now panting and coveting something so base as sex and women. I tried to hide my contempt for his lack of discipline, his failure to see beyond the world opinion and open-mindedness, the trap of the easy way. I wanted to write to uncover the deeper meaning of life the universe and everything. I wanted to steal the unique atmosphere of this place. I wanted to use the hidden longing and the desire, for sex, understanding, and wild youth looking for an out. No words graced the notebook I had though. No great thoughts, no insights worthy of black and white. Only banal remedial lessons in Buddhism from a person who thought me a sift an imposter a false Buddhist. I went home alone, riding on my motorcycle, trying to stay warm, pondering the things I had talked about, trying to keep out the thoughts of desire longing frustration. Reluctantly I found myself beginning to think about Zen and enlightenment. The purpose of it. So what if I become a bodhisattva, an enlightened one, so spiritual that I can float off my feet. New age women are never good in bed anyways. They’re too tied up in the religion they’re trying to denounce. What’s the point, is it really worth it, do I want to chew on lotus flowers and sit in the Garden of Eden. Do I want to be so unconnected to the world that it doesn't affect me, that I am no longer apart of it? Would that really be an attainment? Despondent and dejected I parked and went to bed. Shortly there after I started to reread Zen, in those words I remembered the point of Zen, Satori, Enlightenment. When we become a mirror to the world around us, ceasing to become observer or participant, simply reflecting that which is around us. Seeming like a paradox, it also does not mean that Zen rejects the world around us, rejection and acceptance are the same thing. Meditation and study of Zen are important, but the goal is enlightenment. These prepare the way, set the stage, and make it possible. The leap must be taken, an instantaneous realization, a shift to a new form of existence, or in my eyes the original form of existence. Zen masters would achieve this with a few words to the ripe mind of a monk. Sometimes with something so simple as ‘ did you clean your dishes’. Satori is not intellectual, is not mystical, is not philosophical, it is.

There is a side effect of Satori, or maybe one of the faces on it. NOW. When the world around you has a deep emotional impact. Objects seem brighter, sharper, and more real. Things make sense in their simplicity. The deeper impact of life is truly there. This is the now. In my spiritual experiences I have had these things many times. Always punctuated by being entirely in the now. NOW is an infinite progression in time. With no beginning and no ending. When the Dali Lama said ‘be here now’, he was expressing his Gatha. Now is both infinitely vast and infinitely small, and words are a poor way to express it. I remember a story I once wrote with my soul mate Chris. In the story we had sent two pairs of strange looking glasses to ourselves back in time. When we received the glasses there was a note on them saying that all of our deep life questions would be answered at a certain date, time, and place and we were to have the glasses on at that time? In the beginning everything was hazy and strange looking through the glasses. As time went by we were able to see more things thought the glasses. Finally we went to the place before the specified time and found two boxes labeled for each of us. With the glasses on and anticipation boiling over we opened our boxes. NOW in big bold letters were written on the bottom of the boxes. At that point everything seemed brighter, everything seemed clearer. We took off our glasses and realized that they were simply clear glass really doing nothing. We had tricked ourselves into living in the now. This is another Gatha. Be here now, it is, become the mirror. These are my Gathas. This is my Zen.

Eric Adint