The Long Ride Home.

First Draft 8/02/2002

Second Draft 8/02/2002

Corrected.

“Man you look like you just went three rounds with the champ, you sure your ok to ride”, yeah I'm ok, I gotta be ok. I missed her, I wanted her. All I could think about was spending the night in her warm enveloping bed. My body formed to hers, our parts meshing in a preordained fashion, her hair in my face. Our sweat mingling together making a new smell. I didn’t care if it was 10:00 Pm, cold as hell, and I was on a motorcycle. It didn’t matter that id been meditating for a week, my mind had turned into jelly, my body was sore and reality didn’t seem to be real any more. I had to get to her. “Hey better watch out, the last time I went out after a sesshine I almost got into a fight”, was his final warning. I nodded in agreement and sped off into the night, out of San Francisco, closer to her. Pulling into the gas station, I was starting to worry, hopped up on Zen; the principal of dealing with people in ballistic missiles called cars was not easy. The man inside the box was surreal, in a different kind of way. But nothing looked normal anymore, not after the last week. His actions were beautiful in an unconsciously conscious kind of way; he seemed to look at me with a combination of fear and worry. Probably thinking that I was on drugs, and about to be a statistic in the obituary. Fueled and ready to go I hit the 80 at about 90. Freeway zazen is what I call it. Between the armor and the helmet you really are in your own world. Short of being in a zendo there’s nothing quite like it. Breath in, focus, breath out “oooooonnnnnneeeeeee”, check the perimeter. Engine vibration, cars, cops, speed, shit go between those two cars, I'm not going to drop my speed, shift up, throttle to the stops, 95 and climbing. No cop’s goooood. Pass through two cars, some call it wreck less I call it really being there. Dogen said do zazen like your hairs on fire. If he would have had a motorcycle he would have said, do zazen like your going 90 in a 35 zone. I really felt there. Breath in, focus, Breath out “twwwwwooooooo”. Bay bridge, man its cold, I started to shiver. The air seeped in past my armor, cold thick fingers pinching me like a perverted grandma at Christmas. I flashed back to the last time I was here. Cold and on a motorcycle late at night, doing 95 on the way to the monastery. All of a sodden I see those horrible lights behind me. Shit now I'm gonna get a speeding ticket. Pulled over getting written up, “ so where ya heading to”, “ back to the monastery so I can make the 5AM meditation”, his pen stopped, I could see his wheels burning out, bet he’d never heard that one before. Oh shit I thought what if he thinks I'm high, and gives me a field test, the cold and the numbness would make it impossible to pass. Hell I probably couldn’t even stand up on my own right now. He ended up giving me a ticket for 75 in a 65. I guess he liked the excuse. The tack odometer was reading 25 I had 65 miles to go. I was praying for that numb unconsciousness that comes at around 45 miles. It’s hard when you want to get somewhere real bad. Every time you look at the odometer and see that you’ve only gone 1 mile, and it feels like it’s been an hour since you looked at it last. That eternal waiting, where you never quite feel like your moving towards where you want to go. Passing cars left and right sometimes in between. I still wasn’t moving fast enough. Sometimes I would wish I had a jet, no a fighter, yea a harrier jump jet VTOL. Than I could go anywhere I wanted in an instant. The time between becoming negligible. Hey wait a second. That’s not a Zen thing to think. Relax into my breath. Focus on the now. Ill get there when I get there. Breath in, focus on the hara, breath out “ooooonnneeeee”. Once I learned how to meditate I was slowly beginning to find that impatience and intolerance were key features of not being in the moment, not being in the now. When I wasn’t in the moment I wasn’t enjoying life. Wanting this desiring that, wishing I were somewhere that I was not, all lead to misery. I started to focus. Once you get to that supreme state of meditation and hereness its easy to come back to it. I stared to focus on my mind and my hara at the same time. As a thought or desire came in. pain of the cold, wanting to be with her. Wishing I was somewhere else. I would simply recognize it as a thought thingy and let it go. The mind secretes thoughts like the body secretes sweat, Dogen used to say. I was learning to no longer give power to my thoughts and desires, to not let them own me, but instead to finally own them. Being on a motorcycle, I really understood why adrenalin junkies were the way they were. When your overwhelmed with the prospect of dying all you can feel is life. Pure life right here right now. That’s how I felt that’s where I was, right here right now. Shift down throttle off, engine break, don’t let it cycle too hard, don’t touch the break lights. There was a cop in front of me and I had to shed some speed, and break lights were a dead giveaway. Life in the fast lane started to play through my head. And I joined the pack of cars trying to stay behind him. Its funny, maybe dating back to gazelles on the Serengeti, the way people react to the predator. Instead of a tiger it had now become the black and white car with a whole new set of rules. No longer worried about getting eaten, but fines and insurance premiums were the new menace. I looked down at my tach. Wow 60 miles, thirty to go, past the half way marker. The negotiation with the cop car ended in a stalemate, frustrated by his prey he pulled off at the next exit, looking for another plane to hunt. Shift down throttle to the stops, shift up at max power transfer. Back up to 90 and climbing. The more long trips that I took the more I began to consider my tach as a clock. I had a watch strapped to my shoulder but I used that more to check my speed time calculations and where I was at progress wise. Sacramento was 90 miles from San Francisco. At 60Mph that’s one and a half hours, at 90MPH its 1 hour. Every MPH above that shaved a little time off that figure. You really began to notice the difference in 20MPH increments. Times like this I wish I had a crotch rocket. My cruiser could do 100 but I had to put my feet on the back pedals and hug the tank to get any more speed out of it. I had heard that crotch rockets start to perform at 100. stop wait, be where I'm at, be in the here and now. Breath in, focus, breath out “ooooonnnnneeee” , there are thoughts of desire in me, there are thoughts of impatience in me, there are thoughts of fear in me. Let them go. I thought about the analogy a monk gave me. “ Its like sitting on the freeway you see a car coming, you pay attention to it, is it a truck is it a car, what color is it, who makes it, how fast is it going. As it approaches you notice more detail and it gets bigger, when it’s in front of you your supremely aware of it and all of its detail. The trick is to let it continue on, and watch it slowly recede and disappear. The problem is that many people stop the car, get in, and drive away with it. “ I would alternate between getting in the car and watching it drive by. I guess I would make a lousy hitchhiker. Davis. Wow I'm 10 miles away, almost there. I was numb and not really with it. That cold unreal place you get when your body has had enough of pain and endurance and it just checks out of the nerve hotel. I liked that state, not for a long time but it would get me by the hard times.

I started to see the high rises of Sacramento, it wasn’t a bad town it wasn’t a good town. It was just another town. I slowed down to about 65 and merged with all of the other cars on their way home. I don’t know where they were coming from but I hoped that they felt the joy of the long ride, I knew that I was coming home, not to a place not to a building but to her. Wherever she was, that was my home.

I pulled into her apartment complex at about 12:30Pm, it felt like home. I couldn’t wait to see her. Would she be waiting up for me, would she be asleep in bed. Would she want to make love tonight? My mind raced with the possibilities. Key under the mat I went in, straight to her bedroom. Gloves, armor and helmet on, I partially worried that she would think I was a prowler, but she knew I was coming. I stood there looking at her, smile on her face, completely naked in bed, sheets half covering her. She was beautiful. My Athena in the flesh. Her face breasts and hips perfect. I had finally made it home. She was my home. She looked at me and smiled, “ what took you so long”, “ I don’t know honey”, Standing there looking at her, helmet in hand all I could feel was pure love, pure lust, pure desire, and I just looked at her for the eternity of the moment. I was melting with love freezing from the night as I ripped of my cloths. I wanted to be close to her to feel the oneness of flesh on flesh, I wanted her mind her body her soul, I wanted all of her. “ Your freezing honey why don’t you take a hot shower”, I kept kissing her holding her to me feeling the warmth of her body, letting it seep into mine. I needed to warm up though and she had a good idea. “ Ok honey hold on.” Nothings hotter than a warm shower when your freezing, it feels like your being burned alive, I let the warm water bring my core temperature up, then the lights went out. And the shower door opened. “ Can I join you.”? Yeah hell yeah, taking showers with her was wonderful I loved it and we held and kissed she let me warm up and we washed each other. I loved washing her. I got to pay attention to every part of her body. Caressing touching kissing washing. It was always wonderful, it was always magical. When I toweled her off I felt like a king, her beauty was blinding, her love was enveloping, I only wanted to serve her. I picked her up and carried her to the bed. “ Your not going to be Mr. Rabbit tonight are you”, I didn’t know I wanted to be inside her I wanted to make love to her, and I wanted to feel every part of her. I wanted to make love to her for eternity. Sometimes desire can overwhelm you sometimes it can catch you like a giant wave and sweep you away. Furious hard driven sex that only last for a Few minutes. I didn’t want that. We kissed and touched each other, the abstractness of the week made it hard for me to let go completely and I worried that it would affect our lovemaking. What's wrong honey? You know how these drives affect me. I concentrated on her legs her toes. She liked that, almost like her arms when I caressed them she would shiver with pleasure, driving me all the more crazier. Kissing her labia and her clitoris, feeling for her G spot to intensify it. I felt her more intensely, but there was something still in the way there was a thing between us that I could not define. A lack of intimacy that we had known thorough our relationship, and the speed at witch I was trying to please her, made it all the more wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. By then I couldn’t control myself. I entered her as gently and as slowly as my raging hormones would allow. Going deeper and deeper until all of me was inside of her. She liked it when I just put the tip of me in her and went slowly. I would do that but right now I just wanted to be enveloped by her. Slowly pumping and feeling her I wanted more. I wanted her to moan and to scream and to tell me that she loved me. That she wanted me and only me. I wanted to feel one with her I wanted to feel all of her. We rolled over with her on top. I think she liked it when she could control the movement. I liked it too. I didn’t want to be in a hurry o didn’t want it to end. I wanted to join with her forever. The separation was still there and I didn’t know why or where it was coming from. I was afraid. Was this the death toll of our relationship was it to degrade into half-baked sex, with no intimacy. Suddenly we began to kiss, not just kiss, we began to breath into each other. Breathing the life giving energy that was us. Sharing our souls and our lives. I felt her I truly felt all of her, I felt her inside me, and I felt me inside her. It was beautiful miraculous and wonderful. We joined at that moment no longer two but one. Our breath our bodies our sweat, the very life that made us had joined. Our lovemaking gained a new intensity and a new purpose. And I reached highs that id never been to before. Feeling her excitement I moved and did everything I could to please her, until she came with a shaking explosion, her orgasms had become my orgasm and we came together. Holding each other shaking from our experience I felt a love and a completeness that I had not felt in my life before. She was my dragon, she was my heart, and she was my soul. We held each other and slept entwined with each other all night. We were no longer two people sleeping together. We were one creature asleep.

I think back on that night often, I will never forget it. Intimacy is a strange thing, rare in its truth, not often known and experienced. I'm no longer in the monastery, and she became a casualty of the relationship war. I miss her, but most of all I miss the love that I felt with her. Although we are not together our love will remain forever a time a quantum moment of now to span infinity.