The Wacked meets zoloft.

I knew that this would be a tricky one, when the ferret meowed twice and the lady on the corner shrieked, that people like me should be licensed. Terror dread and fear bewildered me. A reluctant agent of the Anarchistic, Nihilistic Right wing left-wingers federation. I Failed my last mission, I tried to infiltrate the Catholic Church, was discovered and then skull fucked by the entire congregation. It was horrible, their semen floating around in my brain, dam them. I walked around shouting, this is my jesus, there are many like him but this one is mine, I will, I will convert you even if I have to crucify you for your own protection. For nine months I did this, until I birthed that insidious dark hearted mean and nasty Smirf. Ping’s of remembered pain still radiate from my nose. Luckily the ferret was provided by the federation and trained at handling these things.

“ la la le la la ------- aughhhhhhhhhhhh”

Now this, why me, why now, weak and enslaved I walked into the most insidious and demoniacal organization ever to exist, the D, the M, the V. second only to the S.S.I., where else could they get you to stand still long enough to get the full effect of their apathy rays, and the zombie vampire “ cute blond chick with a slightly conspicuous tattoo on her back™ ”. Wearing my leather jacket and boat like aluminum foil hat I stood behind a nice looking PETA Fem-Nazi. I tried to flush, her out “ are you doing anything this weekend”, she looked at me with derision and distain while fingering her testicle knife. I knew that there were only 23 real people in the world, and the rest were just mindless monkey non-people dressed in human clothes. They’re to prevent you from finding the other 22. My secondary mission was to find the real people and recruit them into the ANRLF. She looked me up and down snarled then replied, “ I don’t date people who wear animals for clothes”. I smiled and clicked my tongue, “ that’s wonderful, I only where human skin products, tanned with animal friendly dyes”. Shit, now she wants me to go out with her next Saturday, that perverted, evil little monkey brained non-person.

The shielding was starting to fail and the cute blond chicks with a slightly conspicuous tattoo on their back ™ were zeroing in on me like kamikazes. Safe, I was at the counter now, her wild-eyed aim shot the agitation injector and DNA collector straight into my carotid, luckily I had been provided with a decoy. I still didn’t know what my mission was, standing there in the full effect of her professional incontinent gaze, I began to stammer. Then like a diamond bullet it struck me, right in my third eye, the pen, the pen, chained and locked to the desk, a virgin waiting to be sacrificed to the monster. Quickly I freed the sacred device from its chains, jumped on to the nearest table and pointed that most deadly of weapons. Freeze you mind-sucking fat-bodies. Don’t anybody move, and get someone to turn off that apathy beam, the lady behind the counter moved away from the button. I had them I had all of them right in my sights; the revolution is upon us brothers I shouted with joy. Then he showed up, that device of darkness, sinister in ways that I cannot explain. Forged on the tables of power driven by the conspiracy, created by the hellhounds of consumerism. Reinforced by countless TV shows shouting “ bad boys”. Fed the sacred manna of the gods, filled with super charged industry approved secret ingredients. He walked towards me in slow motion, throwing his doughnut to the ground, his splendor as the blubber accentuated his blue uniform. Hey there mister, the rent a cop said. Lets not get too exited, “ why don’t you just come down from there and we’ll talk about it OK. His apathy beam was humming full blast, that look of fear and incompetence, masking his real sinister intentions. I couldn’t fight it, I was not strong enough, and the sacred pen didn’t work, another inkless decoy.

Defeated I lay in a pile of my morass. No will to fight, no will to create. I work at McDonalds now and I have three shinny new non-children. But at night I remember that ferret, oh how he used to keep the smirf cowering in fear. Now my new, mind dulling brain dog just let’s it wander around, playing with the non-children. My PETA Fem-Nazi wife takes up wonderful non-causes, aimed at stripping yet another inalienable right from the people. I smile allot now, and write absolute drivel. Yet the other day I think, well maybe not, but I thought that I saw one of the 22 buying a big Mac, the will striped from me I could not find out. At night though every once and awhile the anguish boils on me as the tears slink across my face, and the words come to my heart. “ Damn you Zoloft, damn you Prozac, damn you to hell”