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The human projector

I am the human projector; onto a canvas I project deep thought, profound spirituality, great intelligence, artistic creativity, and sharp cunning. But like a projection its thickness is an illusion, no depth no form only illusion. A parody of reality not to be mistaken for reality. It is done for others and not myself meant to impress, bedazzle and convive. For years I believed it wanting others to believe it. Like a gift nicely wrapped carried out in front of me. Trying to entice those around me. A lure meant to catch the fishes of humanity. Many times I have embarked on quests to deepen my character. Only to stop once it became real. I have few memories of my childhood but there is one I will always remember. I was in the kitchen and I was trying to balance myself on a broom. I kept thinking, if I only pulled harder this way, if I could only move my body that way. But I couldn’t pull hard enough and I couldn’t force my body to in the way that I thought would balance me. My instincts wouldn’t let me. Time and time again I would try and time and time again I would end up putting my feet on the ground or jumping off before I fell, cursing myself for not having the right instincts, or enough strength to balance myself, and stay balanced. I learned to loath my inner nature and what I thought to be my inner weakness. When I began to study spirituality, philosophy, religion, and science I did so in order to alter my inner nature and to conquer what I thought were my weak instincts. Time and time again I would get to that point in my journey where it became real, and I had to face my inner nature and instincts, time and time again like a rock they wouldn’t budge. Frustrated I would give up and walk away. Only to become a charlatan, a hypocrite, and a liar of that path. Another memory that I have, is of a lesson from a Zen master that I had. He kept throwing pebble into the pond asking me if I could see the true nature of Buddhism in that action. I kept coming up with all kinds of great philosophies and Ideas of the Buddhist nature of the pebbles and the pond. The pebble was us piercing the skin of the universe of the pond, grasping the water and by holding on to it, sinking to the bottom. The entry of the rock into the pond is our entry into Zen practice and enlightenment is when we finally reach the bottom. I espoused many more flowing and complicated ideas about the Buddhist nature and the pebble and the pond. After each idea he would frown and look at me like I didn’t get it. Finally he got up signifying that the lesson was over, as he walked away he said. It is the rocks nature to sink to the bottom of the pond. I didn’t get it.

Later that evening during meditation, it came to me. Like a flash of lightning, getting kicked in the balls, or waking up from a bad dream. I was the rock, the pond was enlightenment the pond was enlightenment, and my true inner nature was to sink to the bottom, to enlightenment. It wasn’t a matter of changing myself in order to become the Buddha; it wasn’t a matter becoming something. It was a matter of un-becoming, a matter of un-changing. Like solving the koan MU this realization was one of the most profound ones I have ever had. Somehow though I was not able to link that to my idea of being a projector. Of not attaining depth. Now I know that depth can only be attained by accepting my inner nature nurturing it and allowing it to BE. Balancing the broom was not a matter of controlling my instincts or getting stronger. It was simply my inner nature telling me it was not possible. I had been going against my inner nature, even though it was trying to protect me. The light of that realization is strong within me. I am still a projector but at least that which I project on has become a little more porous and the projection a little deeper.